Monday, January 28, 2008

Joke 590: New Signs

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign reading, “BEST DEALS.”

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading, “LOWEST PRICES.”

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: “MAIN ENTRANCE.”

[tags]shop signs, business joke[/tags]

Monday, January 21, 2008

Joke 589: SItting Next to God

Peyton Manning, Tony Romo and Tom Brady go to heaven to visit God and watch the Celtics play a game. God decides who will sit next to him by asking the boys a question.

God asks Peyton Manning first, "What do you believe?" Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?" Tony says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage, and honor are the fundamentals of life. I too have been lucky, but win or lose I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the field." God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Tom Brady and says, "And you, Tom, what do you believe?" Tom replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

[tags]god joke, football joke[/tags]

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Joke 587: Juror Screening

Judge: "Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this
case?"

Juror: "I don't want to be away from my job for that long."

Judge: "Can't they do without you at work?"

Juror: "Yes, but I don't want them to know that."

[tags]jury duty joke[/tags]

Monday, January 14, 2008

Joke 586: Afternoon Quickie

It was obvious to Mom and Dad that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie without their 9-year-old son hanging around was to send him out on the balcony. So they ordered him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary, "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by. It looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Max is riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too."

[tags]quickie joke[/tags]

Friday, January 11, 2008

Joke 585: Late Night Phone Call

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2:00 in the morning. The blond wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"

[tags]blond joke, adultery joke[/tags]

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Joke 584: Going to the Pub

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

The husband replies, "No, I'm turning the heating off."

[tags]joke[/tags]

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Joke 583: Filling the Tank

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey, Dad! What are you doing?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."

[tags]adult joke, sex joke[/tags]

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Joke 582: Hell on Earth

One evening, a young lady came home from a date rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

[tags]marriage joke[/tags]

Monday, January 7, 2008

Joke 581: Terrible Tee Shot

A man steps up for a tee shot with a row of trees on his right side. He slices it wildly and it heads off in the direction of the trees. He gets another ball and continues playing. About 15 minutes later a highway patrolman approaches him.

"This your ball?" asks the policeman.

"Yes, I think it is."

"Well," says the officer, "it went over the trees and through the window of a house. It hit a cat and the cat ran out the front door. A school bus was driving by at the time and the driver, while trying to miss the cat, hit a tree. The bus exploded in flames, and there were no survivors."

"Gee, I'm sorry.'' said the golfer. “Is there anything I can do?"

The policeman replied, "Well, you might try keeping your left arm a little straighter and start your downswing with your hips."

[tags]golf joke[/tags]

Friday, January 4, 2008

Joke 580: Roomful of Blondes

A blind guy on a barstool shouts to the bartender: "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender and the bouncer are both blondes. I'm a 6-foot-tall, 200-pound black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a 6-foot, 225-pound rugby player. The guy to your right is 6 foot, five inches, pushing 300, and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is also blonde. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[tags]blonde joke[/tags]