Loading ...A man went into the office kitchen one morning and found a beautiful blond woman painting the walls. She was wearing a fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a bit strange, he asked her why she was wearing such nice clothes rather than overalls.
The blonde simply sighed and showed him the instructions on the tin, “For best results, put on two coats.”
Tags: blond joke, painting joke
A guy dials his home phone number and a strange woman answers. The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid,” answers the woman.
“We don’t have a maid,” says the man.
The woman says, “I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
The man says, “Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
The woman replies, “She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”
The maid says, “What will I have to do?”
The man tells her, “I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts the phone down and the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, “What do I do with the bodies?”
The man says, “Throw them in the swimming pool.”
Puzzled, the maid answers, “But you don’t have a pool.”
The man pauses for a moment and says, “Ummmm… Is this 555-3248?”
Tags: maid joke
An elderly couple named Sam and Helen are vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots and seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Helen?”
Helen looks him over, “Nope.”
Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”
Helen looks again and again says, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT?”
Helen looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Sam yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!”
To which Helen replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, shoulda bought a hat.”
Tags: senior joke, cowboy boots
A consultant dies on in a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says, “Congratulations!”
“Congratulations for what?” asks the consultant.
“We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old,” Saint Peter exclaims.
“But that’s not true,” says the consultant. “I only lived to be 40.”
“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter, “we added up your time sheets.”
Tags: consultant joke
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot to the left costs $500.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” the customer asks.
The owner says, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”
The customer asks about the next parrot and is told, “That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.”
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told, “That one costs $2,000.”
Needless to say this begs the question, “What can IT do?”
The owner replies “To be honest I’ve never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!”
Tags: parrot joke, boss joke
“What’s your golf score?” the country club interviewer asked the prospective new member.
“Well, not so good,” replied the golfer. “It’s 69.”
“Hey, that’s not bad. In fact, it’s very good.”
“Glad you think so,” the golfer confided. “I’m hoping to do even better on the next hole.”
Tags: golf joke, golf score, 69
A guy came home early and found his wife in bed with another man. “What the hell are you doing?” shouted the irate husband.
“See,” the wife said to the man lying beside her. “Didn’t I tell you that he doesn’t know a thing about sex?”
Tags: adultery joke, sex joke
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball… stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. “That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”
Tags: golf joke, wife humor
A middle management executive has to take on some sport by his doctor’s orders, so he decides to play tennis.
After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he’s doing.
“It’s going fine,” the manager says. “When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding toward me, my brain immediately says, ‘To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!’”
“Really? What happens then?” the secretary asks.
“Then my body says, ‘Who? Me? You must be kidding!’”
Tags: tennis joke, office joke
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign reading, “BEST DEALS.”
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading, “LOWEST PRICES.”
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: “MAIN ENTRANCE.”
Tags: shop signs, business joke
