Office Humor Blog

Luke Liakos, a strip club owner in Ohio, fought back against the proposition of new strip club regulations by buying up all the bagels at a local store where proponents of the regulations regularly eat.

The regulations include requiring a 6-foot barrier between strippers and patrons and the closing of strip clubs by midnight.

File that under keep them within a 6-foot barrier.

Tags: Luke Liakos, strip club regulations

3 good reasons why sports cars are better than women:

1: You can make your sports car perform for you whenever and wherever you want it to.

2: You can make your sports car’s body look however you want it to.

3: You can trade your old car in for a NEW ONE when you get tired of it.

Tags: woman joke, sports cars

According to a new study, people with above average intelligence generally have no greater wealth than those of average intelligence.

The study was using a person’s IQ as the measuring stick for intelligence, which to my knowledge, still has some glaring flaws. Everybody has different definitions of intelligencts and “smarts”, so a person’s IQ can obviously only cover one of those definitions - regardless of how accurate or relevant that definition may be.

I think most would agree that being able to communicate and work well with others are at the top of the list of qualities conducive to obtaining a higher paying job. You could be a mathematical genius, but it’ll be much harder to get a high paying job if you don’t also have the communication skills to go along with the math.

File that under book smarts / street smarts

Tags: IQ tests

• Say, “Help! I’m being robbed! He’s got a gun!”
• Communicate only through Morse code.
• Talk to the telemarketer. During the conversation dial the phone, and ask for Bill. Do this repeatedly.
• Try to sell the telemarketer something.
• Act drunk.
• Turn on your shower. Say that you are on a portable phone and are really late for an important meeting. Scream as though you were electrocuted.
• Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is a strong scent of bacon over the phone.
• Ask if he/she has been to Australia. Regardless of his/her answer ask if you can buy a boomerang and didgeridoo.
• If he/she says “No”, insist that he/she buy yours.
• If he/she says “Yes”, ask if he/she will take a strange currency.
• Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like, “They’ll never catch me again,” “No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!” After saying one of these mutter incoherently.
• Make him/her dance for a sale. Claim that you won’t buy because you couldn’t see him/her dance.
• Make him/her sing to get a sale.
• If a male sings, claim that he sounds like Brittany Spears.
• If a female sings, claim that she sounds like Barry White.
• Pretend to be really interested. Then say, “No.”
• Engage him/her in an “intellectual” conversation on an extremely boring subject.
• Say nothing until he/she hangs up.
• Say, “I told you. I don’t know where your dog is!” Then hang up.
• Keep crackers near the phone. When a telemarketer calls eat the crackers. Chew loudly, make slurping noises, and talk with your mouth full. If you want pretend that you are choking.
• After he/she hangs up, use *69 or Caller ID to get the phone number. Call the telemarketer.
• Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim that you need some time to think, and that you’ll get back to them.
• If he/she is selling a newspaper or magazine, go on and on about how great another newspaper/magazine is.
• Pretend you are a telemarketer from a rival company. Get him/her to buy your product.
• Say, “Yes” immediately to whatever they are selling and hang up immediately afterwards.

Tags: telemarketer humor

A worker at a UK boat-building company has been discovered to have been stealing yacht parts for the last seven years. It is suspected that he was planning on building his own luxury yacht with the stolen parts.

There’s no word on what the worker’s job was at the company. I’m assuming he was a builder or contractor of some sort, but it’d be damn funny if he were a salesperson or something else where he’d have no experience building a boat.

File that under that’s ma boat.

Tags: boat building

• Talk really fast.
• Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can’t hear them over the static.
• Make up your own language. Speak it.
• Hang up.
• Make up a one word language. Speak it.
• Say, “This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?”
• If they say “Yes” to having an emergency say, “Please state the nature of the emergency.” Then insist that their emergency isn’t an emergency. Hang up.
• If they say “No” to number having an emergency say, “I’m sorry but this line is for emergencies only.” Hang up.
• Pretend you just took hostages, and make demands.
• Pretend that you are a hostage negotiator, and try to get the telemarketer to release the hostages.
• Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a meatball sub.
• Pretend that your phone line is an automatic phone sex line.
• Dial the phone and say, “Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You better pay up or else I’m gonna come over there and hurt you! “
• Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn’t ringing.
• Claim to be the mafia.
• Say, “Moe’s tavern Moe speaking.”
• Say something that Moe would say to Bart after Bart makes a prank call.
• Ask him/her if he/she would like a magazine or newspaper subscription.
• Ask the telemarketer to find your friend Mike last name Rotch. Claim you will only buy a subscription from them.
• Say, “Oh no! It’s the Feds! They’re on to us!”
• Claim to be the FBI. Say, “This is the Federal Bureau of Investigation. How may I help you?”
• Dial *69. Wait about a minute and say, “Damn unreliable *69.”
• Speak a foreign language.
• If you do the previous one and the telemarketer gets a person who speaks the language you used, speak another language, use a made up language, or say that you were speaking English the whole time.
• Pretend that the telemarketer is your husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend. Talk sexually, making references to what you are going to do to him/her later tonight. When you “realize” that you are not speaking to your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend yell, “Pervert!” Slam the phone down to hang up.

Tags: telemarketer humor

What did you want to be when you were a kid? Well, the following kids tell it how it is - covering careers in web design, advertising, marketing, and quite a few others. It’s always funny listening to a kid say something like “I’d need a crane to pull my bloated head out of my ass.” Ahh… the innocence of youth.

Tags: when I grow up, funny career video

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.”

The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor’s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, “If you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead.”

Tags: joke

Add an increased risk of doctors leaving foreign objects inside you after surgery to the growing list of drawbacks to being obese.

I guess it makes sense. With there being more mass, there’s more places to lose things. Like how it’s harder to lose the keys to your car in a doghouse, but it’s quite easy in a 50 room mansion. Maybe doctors need to start putting those little beeping lights on things they stick inside you so that they can “beep” them after the surgery to make sure everything that went in, comes right back out.

File that under another reason to lay off the Twinkies

Tags: surgery mishaps

A couple that was married for 20 years always made love with the lights off.

Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on.

She looked down… and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device — a vibrator — softer and larger than a real penis.

She went completely ballistic. “You impotent bastard,” she screamed at him, “how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

“I’ll explain the toy… if you explain the kids.”

Tags: sex joke, adult humor