The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn’t want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.
“No,” the inmate said, “just get it over with.”
“Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?” said the guard. “You didn’t even want a special last meal!”
The inmate thought. “Actually,” he said, “Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.”
The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.
The inmate started, “One billion bottles of beer on the wall…”
Tags: prison joke
Next time you’re called in for a meeting - especially a video conferencing meeting - make sure you’re ready to do some speaking. You know… just in case.
Tags: funny office meeting, video conferencing
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.”
The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s my entire fault, today is my first day driving a cab…. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 35 years.”
Tags: taxi joke, cab humor
Tired of your dead end job? Looking to make six figures but don’t know how? Well, one approach might be to create China’s most destructive computer virus. That’s what this guy did and he’s already been offered jobs from 10 different companies while he’s in jail.
I guess skill does outweigh most other criteria for some jobs. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I’d want to hand my computer network over to a guy who was convicted of destroying computer networks. Maybe it’s just me, but that sounds like a bad idea.
File that under two wrongs make a right?
Due to increasing product liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the Government’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species, and/or name you can’t remember)
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Tags: beer jokes, drinking humor
Every time the phone rings, you shout, “Hey! An angel just got its wings!”
You like cats. Especially with mayo.
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan’s Island because they weren’t rescued.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they’ll hatch.
You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it’s for security reasons.
Melba toast excites you.
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because “the napkins have ears.”
You tend to agree with everything your mother’s dead uncle tells you.
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you’re a stalk.
You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
You keep thinking this is the year for the Red Sox.
You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.
You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.
The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.
You like reading lists like this.
Tags: signs of insanity
A Taco Bell worker who has a fear of snakes was handed a pyhton after handing three men their meal through the drive-thru window. No Taco Bell employees or pythons were harmed in the prank.
Another story of mean-spirited prank gone too far. Remember people, pranks should not only be fun to perform, but should be something everybody can laugh at afterwards. Granted, pythons aren’t poisonous, but throwing crap at a stranger through drive-thru window ain’t cool!
File that under drive-thru therapy now in session.
Tags: drive thru prank, pythons
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn’t expect tentacles to be growing from.
You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
You’re always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can’t understand you through that scuba mask.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you’ve stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
Your father pretends you don’t exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
You collect dead windowsill flies.
Tags: signs of insanity
Are you a prostitute or a consultant:
Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you’re left hanging with only other “professionals.”
Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain.
You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it’s not your problem.
When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
You are rated on your “performance” in an excruciating ordeal.
Even though you get paid the big bucks, it’s the client who walks away smiling.
The client always thinks your “cut” of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
When you deduct your “take” from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, “I’m not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life.”
Tags: prostitute humor, consultant humor
If you’re incredibly bored at work and have nothing better to do, why gather some coworkers together to help you make a Rube Goldberg contraption in your office? Not sure what a Rube Goldberg contraption is or how it could work in your office? Check out the following video for inspiration.
Tags: Rube Goldberg
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