A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.
She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked whatkind of a time he had.
He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”
Office Diversions is a new feature detailing various distractions for your work day. The format will be similar to the Office Prank feature, with requirments and a description. This first one is all about using Google’s search feature to settle debates and finally get answers to the questions of the universe.
Requirements:
- A computer and an internet connection.
Description:
This diversion is VERY simple, just think of a question or topic that you and a coworker are debating and look up your differing opinions in Google’s search to determine who is right and who is wrong. Basically, whoever’s search terms bring up more results is correct, because we all know Google is never wrong.
For instance, let’s say you are a Republican and your coworker is a Democrat. Head on over to Google and type in Republican. Note how many results were found. Do the same with Democrat. Now, whichever term had the most results is right, which, at the time of this post the term “Republican” ends up having almost twice as many results, which obviously means Republicans are right and Democrats are wrong.
However, you can make your own “rules” and make the terms more precise, like “Republicans are better” and “Democrats are better”. This should be more accurate since searching on just “Republican” may mean the results are all about how bad Republicans are. This new search shows that Democrats are slightly better since they have more results with the new search term.
You don’t always have to be political in your searches. Simple arguments about which football team is better, whether or not there are aliens, or even questions about a coworker’s sexuality, can all be easily settled though the all powerful and all knowing Google search.
Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way…
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you’re fired.
CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won’t answer questions.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he’s there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey, please”.
The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying “That’ll be $5,000″. The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, “That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”
“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”
The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper, “That one’s even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff.”
The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000.
He gasps to the shop keeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”
“Well,” says the shopkeeper, “I don’t know if it actually does anything, but says it’s a Consultant.”
A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” asked the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a Marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
This prank requires a little “hacking” into your coworker’s computer. You’ll have to have access to their computer, either remotely or just hope they don’t lock their computer when they get up. I’ll give step by step instructions on how to make it so certain sites redirect to sites of your choosing, similar to what some adware programs do.
Requirements:
- Time (low) - if you only want to mess with a few sites it shouldn’t take you much more than 10-20 minutes. You can, however, decide to screw with a lot of sites if you have the time.
- Cost (none) - none.
- Risk (low) - the only risk here is upsetting your coworker. No permanent damage or harm should come of this prank.
Steps:
- Get into your coworker’s computer. You’ll need access to their windows directory, so unless your network is weird and has everybody’s windows directory shared, you’ll probably need to get access to their computer.
- Open the “hosts” file. For Windows XP it’s located at “c:\windows\system32\drivers\etc”, for Windows 2k “c:\winnt\system32\drivers\etc”, and for Win 98\ME “c:\windows”. You should see a file with a Microsoft copyright at the top, some text explaining the hosts file, and a line near the bottom that says “127.0.0.1 localhost”.
- This file controls custom mappings for IP addresses. What that means is that you can specify a domain and specify whatever IP address you want that domain to go to. For example, you can have www.google.com go to whatever site you want, instead of the actual good site.
- Determine what sites you want to mess with, and where you want them to go. To find the IP address of a site, open the command prompt (use start, then run, then type in cmd). Type ping then the site you want to grab the IP address to. For example, “ping www.google.com”. This should return the IP address for you.
- Put the IP address you want to be the “new” site on the left of the hosts file, press tab, then enter the domain you want to change. For example, “216.109.112.135 [tab] www.google.com” (replacing the [tab] with an actual tab). This would make the browser go to yahoo every time the person tries to go to yahoo.
- Once you have all your IP addresses and domains entered, save the file and test it out. You should be able to go to all the domains you entered and have them go to the sites specified by the IP addresses you placed in the file.
- One of the best things to do is to change their start page to a new site. So if their start page is msn.com, for example, have it go to a porn site or a site with a lot of pop ups.
Result:
Once your coworker attempts to go to any site you modified, the alternate site should show instead. Depending on what you modified, your results will vary. If you went to sites with sound and your coworker has speakers, you can get some fantastically embarassing results. Some classic ideas are porn sites, job search sites (such as monster.com), and sites to things your coworker hates (such as a democrat site if they are republican and vice versa). There are endless possibilities.
You coworker will probably think a virus or spyware was installed on their computer. Make sure to not let them format or do anything else that could lose their work because of the prank (unless that’s what you want to happen, which I don’t recommend).
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
4 million are in the Armed Forces,which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you’re just sitting there reading jokes all day!
Our company has always had a problem with interoffice communications.
For instance, last week the Personnel Department sent around a memo on sexual harassment.
Three people initialed it and six people signed up for it.
Life is a cubicle,
A maze of plastic walls.
We click and we type
And we answer phone calls.
Life is a cubicle,
Neon lights our suns.
We fill out reports
And dream of being done.
Life is a cubicle,
A fort we must defend.
We sit and we wait
For our faxes to send.
Life is a cubicle,
Wheeled chairs our steeds.
We draft and we print
Until our eyes bleed.
Life is a cubicle,
That much is true.
Life is a cubicle
For me and for you.
Everybody likes funny shirts right? Well, let’s hope so because this edition of Office Gifts lists some of the funniest work related shirts out there.
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